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Idiocy Watch - April 2002

By Steve Berardi
First published at www.t-mag.com, Apr 12 2002.

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In the Atomic Dog column in issue #180, TC talked about kicking off a column that would be called Idiocy Watch. The purpose of the column would be to take a look at the other newsstand bodybuilding mags with a critical eye, an eye that's devoid of any diplomacy.

Unlike Ron Harris' LA Dawg column, Idiocy Watch wouldn't attempt or bother with synopsizing the other newsstand mags. Instead, it would keep count of how many times the content of each magazine caused the reviewer to smack his forehead with his meaty palm. If, after reading them, he was still conscious, he would write about things that had tweaked him off.

Steve Berardi, masochist that he is, volunteered for the job. We locked him in a room with 5 of the most popular bodybuilding magazines and here's what happened. Just be thankful you don't have to talk him back to reality.

If I had to pick the one thing that bunches up my britches faster than anything else, it's the intentional spread of misinformation for profit. Coming in at a close second is a grocery store that sells dairy products past their expiration date, but that's another topic for another day. Why anyone would intentionally attempt to take advantage of under-informed readers to make a few bucks, thus compromising their integrity, is beyond me. Maybe with just the right amount of ridicule these jokesters will clean up their act.

That's why I've agreed to tackle this column. My mission is to take you through 5 of the most popular bodybuilding magazines and tackle the misinformation, fluff, and filler that these "comic books" consistently publish in an attempt to trick you out of your hard-earned dollars. The reason I refer to them as comic books is because just about all they provide are pitiful story lines and pretty pictures of humans that look like superheros. Come on, you can't tell me that if you put a blue latex suit on Jay Cutler he wouldn't be able to pass for The Tick's twin brother!

The first subject I have serious issues with are the "advertorials" found in such great numbers. Believe it or not, some supplement companies actually try to disguise advertisements for their products as "special reports" and "feature articles." The most ridiculous tactics I often came across are advertisements that attempt to take advantage of the uniformed reader by providing an attractive little bar graphs comparing the effectiveness of their thermogenic to a placebo. To the uniformed reader, the benefits are astounding.

For instance, a group talking a particular thermogenic might have lost 8 to 10 pounds of of body weight, while the second group taking that crappy "placebo" only lost a couple of pounds of body weight. Wow, I'll be sure to steer clear of that placebo stuff and whoever makes it. But wait, how come I've never heard of this supplementc called placebo before? Could it be because a placebo is a pill that looks exactly like the thermogenic supplement, yet contains sugar or some other inactive substance? Wow, that really puts things into perspective. Their supplement is 500 to 700% more effective than nothing? Ya' don't say. Does that mean that I can tell everyone that I can run 1000% faster than a man with no legs?

I know that sort of thing is a common practice in product studies, but really, when you look at what they're really saying, it's not all that compelling of a statement.

A few weeks ago John Berardi was nice enough to tell us all a scary bedtime story about nighttime proteins (gave me nightmares for a week). One company took the nighttime war a step further and claims that the addition of glycerol to their formula gives it superior nutrient delivery properties. Let's look at the facts for a second. From the info gained in John's article, it's clear that sustained 8-hour protein delivery offers less benefit than a big shake before bed with plain 'ole whey and casein. Now the glycerol; it's not protein or lipid, and technically not a carbohydrate, yet it carries 5.25 calories per gram and is metabolized just like a carbohydrate. Sounds like someone's trying to pull the wool over our eyes with empty calories. Nah, a supplement company would never try to do that, would they? I think I'll skip on the glycerol and add a few grams of flax or fish oil to my shake to slow protein absorption AND get in my EFA's.

The Muscle Media parade of poor information for the masses this month included an article entitled "Carb Paranoia." Off the bat I had reservations about the article, due mostly to a picture of an extremely large slice of bread that was being wrestled by not the most athletic looking fellow I've ever seen; after all, the bread looked like it was damn close to overpowering the guy.

So I flip the page and, lo and behold, the same gentleman was seated atop three of the largest Fig Newtons ever captured on film, probably stolen from the same package used to coax the Loch Ness monster from his lair. Leaving fig-boy alone for a minute to wallow in his own self-pity, the article lost all credibility due to the inclusion of a list of "acceptable" carb foods that included Snicker's bars, Stouffer's Lean Cuisine, and Chicken Chow Mein with rice.

Would someone then please explain to me why those women eating three squares of Lean Cuisine a day, supplemented with 2 nutrient-packed Snickers bars and eagerly anticipating Oprah's new book are appearing on the Fatties and Grannies website and not next month's Muscle and Fitness? Another food high on the list was Melba toast! Melba toast??? Who's up for mini-sandwiches and tea? I think the RD after this author's name is starting to show.

Following the trend of poor nutrition information, Robert Kennedy's MuscleMag International ran the most unbelievable article I've ever seen, "Back to Basics with Desiccated Liver." The author actually advocates the consumption of cooked, dried, and compressed liver tablets. Sure, liver's not a bad source of protein and iron, but is it even still considered liver after it's been processed to hell and back? I'm sure that in addition to tasting great, desiccated liver tablets are extremely bioavailable after being formed into tablets at a greater pressure than it takes to make a diamond. You know, dog biscuits are also a decent source of carbs, does that mean I should add Snausages to my post-workout menu? And what's next month's story, boron is great for growth?

There have definitely been cases where quality supplements were overlooked only to come back and prove useful, however I think that we can all agree that desiccated liver tablets have no place in modern bodybuilding. Just say NO to desiccated liver; your teeth and digestive tract will thank you for it.

After being consistently disappointed by the content in most magazines, I spied a title in Muscle and Fitness that had the potential to stop my urge to dive head first off my roof, "12 Motivational Tips to Keep Your Sanity While Shredding the Fat." Sounded worthwhile from the title. After all, who doesn't need tips to hold the diet cravings at bay?

Tips were assembled from such noted fitness professionals as Kim Chizevsky, Craig Titus, Ronnie Coleman, Lisa Lowe, and Orville Burke. Kim explains that when she felt the urge to cheat she turned to her nutritionist/trainer/husband Chad for motivation; thanks Kim, can I have Chad's number for when I next feel the need to take down a Chinese buffet?
Craig Titus tells us that his motivation to stick to his diet is so that he'll be paid well. Huge motivator for the masses Craig, I'm sure the school district I work for will give me a bonus when I show up to tutor biology students and my bodyfat's under 6%.

Ronnie Coleman explains that he's got a strong will and because of it he doesn't cheat; as eloquent as ever Ron, thanks for the tip.

Lisa Lowe, when tempted by a specific food (especially pie), will walk right up to that piece of pie and smile at it; then she'll listen to the voices in her head that tell her not to eat it. A great tip for you schizophrenics out there; smile at your food and listen to the voices.

And finally, Orville Burke just makes sure to stick to his diet 100% of the time because there's someone else out there sticking to their diet 200% of the time (for the mathematically challenged, that's 48 hours a day, 730 days a year). And when he feels like cheating, he'll listen to music to keep his spirit going. Nice tip Orville, is that your spirit telling Lisa not to eat the pie? When exactly do we get to the part about tips that I can use? Call it a hunch, but I don't think the pros were all that burned up about these "secrets" getting out. Another thwarted attempt to find a diamond in the rough.

Is there anyone else out there sick of hearing about Swiss ball exercises? Sure, if you're an 80-year-old woman who's just gotten her hip replaced or if you just woke up from a 7-year coma a la Steven Segal, Swiss ball exercises will do you wonders. Outside of those two groups, all that ball exercises do is make you look like a moron in the gym, and you can take that to the bank.

Take, for example, Muscle Media's article this month on chest movements. A featured movement was a pushup with hands on a wobble board and feet on top of a Swiss ball. After seeing this exercise I went to work at my local gym where I'm a personal trainer (I'm a college student and I need the dough, so cut me a little slack) and had the gym's Mr. Know-It-All try the exercise. In addition to looking like an ass (just like the model in the picture), he got himself a fat lip after he whacked his face on the wobble board. Is anyone else convinced that people will try anything to avoid working out for real?

And finally, I'd like to throw out a collection I like to refer to as "Random Stupidity."

• In Flex's "Ask Mr. Olympia" column, Ronnie Coleman advises a trainee to make every set "burn throughout his entire body" to achieve that "hard" look. Hey Ronnie, is that burning feeling you describe anything like syphilis? And here I thought that your diet determined the hardness of your physique.
• Muscle and Fitness reported the breaking news from Indiana University (Bloomington) that clothing which supposedly promotes sweat evaporation does not, in fact, change skin temperature, increase performance, or change comfort sensations. Thanks for the news-breaking story. What's the headline next month, Air Jordan's won't actually improve your ball game?
• Finally, a new feature added to the MD lineup this month is a column "Down 'N Dirty" featuring two internet sex hoes. Hmm, a column asking women what turns 'em on in the sack; sounds strangely familiar. Not a bad idea for curious men out there if you're getting answers from regular women, but personally I could give a sweaty sac what turns on women who invite you to "join them as they get in on, live" on some seedy website. And contrary to their answer about enjoying fellatio, when's the last time a woman told you that she enjoys giving blowjobs because the facial muscles get a much needed workout that keeps the skin glowing and the face young and toned? Now that's a stretch!

Well that's about all I can stomach for this month. Who do I send the psychiatric bill to?