Home / Articles / Q & A / Going Postal / Jun 21 2002

Going Postal
We respond to the good, the bad, and the ugly of this month's mailbag.

Stick that in your gizzard . . .

Hey boys, mind if I rant a little?

Conventional wisdom states that if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's probably a duck. In reality, this holds true most of the time. So when Huey, Dewy, and Louie parade into the room, we know that they're bonified mallards.

But then comes the exception. Sometimes when we see what looks like a duck, it turns out to be nothing more than a big-nosed portly fellow with a wedgy up his butt, "quacking" because of his lactose intolerance. Now I don't know about you but I certainly wouldn't want to make that mistake. I mean, what'll you tell your guests when you lay out a tanned Danny DeVito instead of duck a l'orange?

The point? Well, assumptions, though convenient at times, can lead to misunderstandings and a proliferation of ignorance. Just look at the common gym and the ducks that make this pond their home.

Why, I think it's duck hunting season…

Here are some ducks that need a reality check:

1) Just because you're a fat duck, that doesn't mean that you're a powerlifter.

2) Just because you're a duck with abs, that doesn't mean you're a fitness model.

3) Just because you have big arms for a duck, that doesn't mean you're a bodybuilder.

4) Just because you can do cardio on a duck sized elliptical trainer for 90 min, that doesn't mean you're an athlete.

5) Just because you read Men's Health in your duck pond, that doesn't mean you're a personal trainer.

6) Just because you're a personal training duck, that doesn't mean you know any more than what's in Men's Health.

7) Just because you didn't super size your duck fries and had a diet coke instead of your regular Jumbo Ducky Slushy, that doesn't mean you're eating clean.

8) Just because your friend can drink a whole bunch of duck punch (yep, it's spiked with the hard stuff) on any given night and still look "jacked," that doesn't mean you can.

9) Just because you know that D-bol isn't a slang term for dodge ball and equipoise isn't a reference to posing routines for horses, that doesn't mean you're ready for steroids.

10) Just because you finally got up to 2 whole plates for your deadlift, that doesn't mean you can bang them off the floor after your ½ second eccentric contraction.

11) Just because there's another duck doing an exercise in the same room as you, that doesn't mean you can attempt an insanely inappropriate weight and expect him to come running over once you pin yourself.

And for God sakes,

12) Just because the squat rack's safety bars are at a comfortable height for your ducky ass to rest the bar on, that doesn't mean you can curl in it!!!

- Carter Schoffer

Ed: Enough said. I'm going to need some of that duck punch to drown out the rather disturbing image of Danny DeVito you've placed in my mind.

Take it easy, bro . . .

Yes, I am interested in finding out what the fuck this johnberardi.com
website shit is all about. If you could please send a
newsletter, I could decide whether visiting this website is
worth my time.

Thank you.

- Anthony

Ed: Woah, no need to get snooty. This fucking website is THE shit. It's definitely worth your fucking time. Fuck fuck shit shit fuck . . . ass. OK, there goes my month's cursing quota, all in one response. Sigh.

American Standard loves you, man.

JB, your recommendations have been a godsend . . . I'm looking better than I ever have before. Only one problem - my, uhhh, "waste matter" has seriously increased in volume, and the plumbing is starting to suffer, if you know what I mean. Anything I can do to stop from breaking another toilet?

- J.C.

Ed: Hold on a second - you broke a toilet? Oh boy. Another vivid picture I won't soon forget. For once in my life I'm at a loss . . . anyone else want to field this one?

Wanna drop us a line? Contact us at info@johnberardi.com