Home / Articles / Q & A / Going Postal / Apr 11 2003

Going Postal
We respond to the good, the bad, and the ugly of this month's mailbag.

We’d like to start off this month’s Going Postal section with some “nutritional poetry” that’s been flooding our inbox as of late. It all started with the receipt of a single poem. After finding comedy in it, we decided to solicit more poetry from our friends and some select readers. Here are some of their contributions to this month’s section of verse (authors available upon request).

The Fridge Exploration

Our fridge looks very scary
In there we found something hairy.
Squishy capers round and green
Flax seed oil that's mean.
Artichoke hearts made by Roland
Colored jawbreaker that's rollin'
Gluten flour, "I wouldn't dare!"
Old pumpkin filling sprouting hair.
Dried tomatoes, still with seeds
Ancient kiwis growing weeds.
A furry creature in a sack...
I'm never ever going back!

-- Written by the 12 year old son of one of our readers/friends.

Ode To Lactose

Milk--neither 2 percent nor whole could thy mix.
For a time, perhaps it was skim that could fix
The grumble rumble deep from within.
Ah! But alas! It was not to win.

Ode to lactose, how it warms thy heart
And the seat of thy pants in times of fart.

-- Written by someone obviously as lactose intolerant as I am.

Tossed Salad Man

Titanic salad
Syrup and jelly body
I prefer syrup

-- Written by someone who’s been in prison or who watches Chris Rock’s comedy specials.

Eat the Red Ones Last (Literally)

In my youth I was given five as a very special treat,
I would suck on each one separately - they were so fun to eat.
They helped me with arithmetic; I was better at subtraction,
And with hand to mouth coordination, you shoulda seen me in action!
Unfortunately, your oh so yummy sweetness and that candy coated shell,
As I’ve recently been informed will indeed cause my tummy to swell.
You force my glycemic index to shoot to the heavens,
And as such I must end my trips to the local 7-11.
I wish you were a protein, as in beef, chicken or cod,
Since that seems to be the road to attaining the most "oh-so-perfect" bod.
And so I bid farewell to you, the Smartie, whether red, orange, yellow, blue, green, purple, pink and brown

-- This is the poem that started it all off.

Deep Fried Twinkies?

Oh, fat and sugar
Doesn’t taste much like chicken
What's diabetes?

Cheat Meal

Gluttonous Siren
Your songs unpleasant and cruel
Rocks of adipose

-- A couple of nutritional Haiku selections

Nutritional Moses

Pharaoh of Phatness, let my people go,
Leading the lost, sharing all that I know.
Parting red waters of lies and deceit,
For JB.com hath taught how to eat.

-- Shameless JB.com plugging

Q. JB, I’ve been reading through previous articles (like Solving the Post Workout Puzzle, Recovery Update, and Precision Nutrition) and am confused as to the optimal protocol for using Surge.

A. Since I think I’ve addressed this issue a few hundred times in the past, for those bored of hearing it, just move on to the next question. However, for those who haven’t followed the progression of my recommendations regarding Surge (the post workout drink I’ve developed with Biotest), here are two easy to follow tables. The first is for strength athletes/bodybuilders. The second is for endurance athletes.

Surge Protocol for Strength Athletes and Bodybuilders

Surge Protocol for Endurance Athletes

Q. I heard that you were recently giving a talk in Chicago. Next time you’re doing seminars, give us a heads up so that we can attend. Who did you speak to?

A. Actually my talk in Chicago was at the annual SCAN (Sports Cardiovascular and Wellness Nutritionists) meeting. Therefore it was a conference for the members of SCAN. Nevertheless, it was an excellent conference featuring many renowned speakers that you may have heard of such as myself, Jose Antonio, Lonnie Lowery, Tim Ziegenfuss, Ron Mendel, William Kraemer, Jeff Volek, Steven Fleck, Doug Kalman, Tom Incledon, Chris Mohr, and even more. All in all it was an excellent meeting with a lot of great ideas exchanged. In fact, in the next few months both T-mag and JB.com may have a review of the conference. As far as my part in the conference, my talk covered a number of topics from how many clinicians have an erroneous notion of what energy balance really means to how we can manipulate the energy in side of the balance equation to modify body composition. To get the gist of my talk, check out my Lean Eatin’ articles as well as an upcoming series on Leptin (over at T-mag).

In addition, I’m currently in the process of setting up a seminar series in Alberta. While not finalized just yet, this series may take place this summer and will include a flavor for all tastes. We’ll probably do up to 4 seminars – one for fitness professionals, one for strength athletes/bodybuilders, one for endurance athletes, and one for exercise physiology and nutrition students. Send us feedback if you’re interested in attending any or all of these sessions.

Finally, Dr Lonnie Lowery and I are discussing bringing a seminar weekend to Toronto this summer. We’ll keep you posted on these ideas and any new ideas we come up with.

Q. What are your feelings on leptin, refeeding periods, and carb consumption during the refeeds. I understand it is a very complex subject so a full detailed analysis would be impossible, but could you provide a brief response that would clarify for me?

A. While I hate to leave this question unanswered for a while longer, I’m gonna have to. With all the talk about re-feeds and leptin, I spent the last few months putting together a 3-part article on leptin. Assuming the guys at T-mag like it, you should see it appear within the next few weeks. Let me know what you think of it when it appears.

Wanna drop us a line? Contact us at info@johnberardi.com