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The Large Professor
Herding the Sheeple

By Austin Blood
First published at www.johnberardi.com, Jun 5 2003.

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“The moving walkway is for your traveling convenience. The right side is for standing passengers and the left side is for walking passengers. Please stand to your right so that others may walk past you on the left. Thank you for your consideration and have a pleasant day.”

The airport loudspeaker boomed its directive as I made my way briskly along the moving walkway through the terminal at the Los Angeles International Airport. My trusty and ever-present traveling companion, in the form of a shoulder mounted cooler-bag of “Berardi-Approved” bodybuilding food, tagged along for the ride. Observing the ever-present hordes of tourists descending upon my beloved Golden State like so many locust swarms of ancient Semitic lore, I chuckled to myself as I was reminded at how even the most seemingly intelligent and competent of individuals are often reduced to the level of the common moron when traveling. You know the drill: the business guy who competently manages some division for a Fortune 500 company, yet still boards his oversold flight dead last; thinking his oversized carry-on will somehow miraculously defy the laws of physics at the last minute by fitting down the aisle and into the overhead bin. It’s usually his contorted frame coupled with an aneurystic facial condition, as he tries in vain to stuff his bag into the overhead orifice, that brings the flight attendant running to resolve his dilemma by checking his luggage.

Unfortunately, on this particular day, an entire herd of such individuals had congregated on the left (walking) side of the walkway in what seemed like a suspiciously coordinated effort designed to foil my forward momentum. As I approached the herd, the loudspeaker again boomed its directive:

“Please stand to your right . . ."

No movement within the herd. Not even the twitch of a tail.

“. . . so that others may walk past you on the left . . .”

Still nothing.

My first thought was that no one in the herd spoke English. This was Southern California, after all. This theory was laid to rest as one of the herd remarked something comprehensible to her traveling companion. Since we were approaching the end of the walkway, I decided to let this minor irritant pass, rationalizing that my current 5,000 kcal/day mass phase leaves me far more patient than when dieting down. Stepping off the walkway, I beheld a sight that caused my jaw to hit the floor in astonishment.

The moving walkway had terminated in a tunnel area with two ascending escalators; each positioned on the far sides of the tunnel. A short flight of stairs, numbering no more than twenty small steps, ran up between the escalators. It was in this area that a living, breathing, encapsulation of modern society’s general apathy toward all things physically active could be found. Both escalators were backed up with sheeple (sheep people), yet there was nary a soul to be found on the steps. Picture an empty set of steps, then two separate escalator lines; each one fifteen sheeple deep, dutifully filing onto the escalators like lambs to the slaughter.

“Hey sheep!" said I. "Any of you have an injury that would prevent you from taking a little ol’ flight of stairs?

“Uhhh . . . nope.”

“Them sheep carry-on bags too heavy or awkward to carry up them stairs…?"

“Uhhh..nope.”

“Any of you sheep interested in breaking with the status quo by taking the steps, thereby saving yourself a few minutes and burning a few extra calories while you’re at it?”

“BAAAHH . . . definitely not! BAAAHH!”

So up the steps I went.

The small things always speak the greatest volumes.

While more people are exercising and eating right than ever before, this scenario, in a nutshell, crystallizes how far we have yet to go. According to the latest statistics, two out of three adults in the United States are classified as overweight, up from 46% in 1983.(2) Of these overweight adults, a full one-half are considered to be obese. That’s 50 million people!(6) And the numbers continue to grow. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates more than 300,000 people in the United States alone will die this year from various diseases directly attributable to being overweight!(1) That’s more than five times the number of people than will die in automobile accidents.(5)

The root causes for the ever-increasing weight problem have been endlessly debated, with every pundit and activist espousing their pet theories for our seemingly unstoppable slide. Too many fast-food joints. Too many video games. Too few public recreational facilities. For pete’s sake, politicians in the California State Assembly recently proposed a “soda tax” in a pathetic attempt to curb the state’s obesity epidemic while simultaneously fattening the state’s deficit-strapped coffers.

Check out these interesting tidbits:

• The widening of the American backside is causing major automobile manufacturers to redesign the interiors of a number of their top-selling models to accommodate the growing girth of the average American. Volvo recently recalled 65,000 station wagons for repairs when it learned that heavy passengers might short-circuit a heating mechanism in their seats, thereby starting a fire.(3)
  Now that would be a hot piece of ass!
• Furniture manufacturers are making a variety of accommodations to appeal to a much larger (no pun intended) market segment. From wider mattresses to recliner chairs that actually tilt forward and up to help overweight people stand; these products are becomingly increasingly popular and fueling exponential sales growth for these companies.
• Websites dedicated to the sale of products for overweight people peddle everything from oversized umbrellas, scales that measure up to 500lbs, seatbelt extenders, and extra-long shoehorns for those who can’t see, much less reach, their shoes.
• A recent study by the NPD Group, a leader in the marketing information field found that 75% of Americans surveyed felt it acceptable to be overweight regardless of the health and social ramifications. This was up from 45% in a similar survey conducted in 1985.(4)

How is it that we’ve gone from trying every exercise and diet plan on the planet to finally resigning ourselves in defeat by pulling up to the drive-thru in our extra-wide Lincoln Navigator with seatbelt extenders for a super-sized Lardburger with a side of Krispy Kreme? It is truly the ultimate paradox that in an era of cutting-edge scientific health and nutritional breakthroughs, that more people than ever are out of shape and mired in the swamp of mediocrity and fitness misinformation.

Let me submit that we can take these increasing examples of societal absurdity and use them to fuel our training fire. To this end, I’ve been contemplating the subject matter of motivation pertaining to the pursuit of one’s goals through the manipulation of nutritional and weight training variables. What is it that separates you from the masses referenced above? What drives you to achieve; to make the sacrifices you make? After all, it takes a tremendous amount of discipline to consistently eat intelligently six plus times a day in conjunction with a weight-training program that would fell mere mortals.

If you have never done so, take the time to examine the real reasons behind your ceaseless drive. The answers will certainly be as varied and unique as each of our personal characteristics; but without question, the common thread that links us all is an unrelenting sense of pride. Not an arrogant, self-important, conceited pride, but rather, a genuine knowledge and self-assurance that the sacrifices we make truly elevate us above the herd.

Lately, when I need to force out that excruciating final rep, or need to stop what I’m doing to make a protein shake, this realization can be a tremendous source of legitimate motivation. Not because I’m a “weightlifting snob," but because it fuels my fire to have the privilege and opportunity to apply sound, rational, training and nutritional principles when all around is laying waste. The distinction between an air of condescension towards others derived from spite and insecurity, and the sense of well-earned pride derived from a vision of subsequent rewards is an important one. Aspire to focus on the latter.

Take a moment sometime to reflect on the progress you have made since you started applying intelligent training and nutritional principles. Goal-oriented individuals in all walks of life rarely take the time to appreciate the fruits of their travails. Even if your bodyfat percentage may not quite be what you would like, or your gains have been a little slow in coming as of late, the mere fact that you are reading this site and applying the principles contained herein places you light-years ahead of the fitness herd. As someone wise once said:

“Consistency, not novelty, is the secret to uncommon results.”

Rugged individualism and the pursuit of selfish interests in the face of opposition is the hallmark of those who move the world.

That’s what separates you from the sheep.

Reference List

1. Center for Disease Control and Prevention FAQ Page., CDC, 21 March 2003. <http://cdc.gov/nccdphp/dnpa/obesity/faq.htm#costs>
2. Kher, Unmesh. “How to Sell XXXL,” Time Magazine 27 January 2003, 43.
3. Kher, Unmesh. 44.
4. Kher, Unmesh. 46.
5. National Highway Transportation Safety Administration, 1998.
6. Schlosser, Eric. Fast Food Nation. New York: Perennial, 2002.